For the record before I go any further, I hate grocery
Grocery shopping is where evil
lives and thrives in America.
All manners, common courtesy, religious belief and just basic
humanity is suspended from the human mind the moment people enter the parking
lot of a grocery store till they leave the parking lot.
There is not one person in the United
States that can ever claim that they have
not run into people that have no manners in a grocery store. It is almost as if a brain neuron shuts off
as soon as you exit your car in the parking lot of the store. This mental breakdown of common sense and
manners gets worse the closer you get to the entrance of the store. People forget that cars are bigger than they
are but the coupons in their pocket will make them and the small children in
tow immortal. Cars are moving and the
brain is off, must get a good cart before they are all gone. And everyone knows that the start of a bad
shopping experience starts with a cart that desperately pulls to one side or
the other. The last shopping cart that
steered where you wanted it to is in the Smithsonian. It was made in 1958. I hear it is a huge crowd draw.
People have their cart, have a list or just go from memory
for the crap they must have to survive another week. This is when mission impossible starts. You must navigate the aisles at risk of
losing your life or your ankles. And
yes, I have had my ankles rammed by aggressive shoppers numerous times. That is when you as the victim get the fake,
“I am so sorry, I didn’t see you there” auto response. Then they grab from an overstocked shelf the
same damn thing you were reaching for.
I’m telling you, this is a hunter gatherer battlefield that we call the
grocery store. Those fake smiles from all of those eighty year old ladies are not fooling me.
Shopping is war in their minds and they teach it to their daughters in
secret. And they pass it on to their
Then you have the block and hold move. This is where they park their cart mid to
right of the aisle while holding onto the handle or basket and reach to the far
left to ponder the purchase of an item.
I call this the “None Shall Pass” move.
They study the Lipton Tea box or whatever it is for a long time while
others behind you tap your ankles with their carts because you are blocking
their items on the shelf. Turn your cart
around and forget about rest of aisle two.
Then you have the “Communication Block and Hold” move. This is when the person on the cell phone to
whoever is on the other end of the call decides to turn their cart sideways in
the aisle and describe the fifty items to the NSA to prove they are not a
terrorist. It’s national security. You must turn your cart around and forget
about aisle three.
Everyone hates the wrong side of the road aka aisle
shopper. We drive on the right side of
the road here in the good old USA. What in the hell happened to these people in
Zombie mode that drive a cart on the left side of the aisle in the
supermarket? My sister in-law likes to
ram them and give the auto response “I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there”. She’s like Chuck Norris in the grocery
store. Don’t mess with a mother of four
daughters. And yes, I have been with
them and actually seen them all taking notes on little tiny pads of paper. Even the four year old little Sarah took
notes in crayon. I’m telling you, this
was a training shopping run for her daughters. Future Navy Seals in the grocery store.
The next one I like to call “Losing Waldo”. This is where they are in the meat
department, they find some chicken, pork, or beef, they put it in their cart
but end up putting it back on a shelf in the canned food area or anywhere that is
not refrigerated because they changed their mind. I’ve actually found steaks on top of Reese's
Peanut butter cups in the candy aisle at one particular store recently. Peanut butter is a protein and so is steak, might go
there if you do not want it? I did not
buy the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups that day.
Do you think the associate actually checked the temperature of the meat product
after they found it sitting there for an unknown amount of time and returned it
to the meat department and put it back with the rest of the steaks in the
display case? Do you think they tossed all the packages of peanut butter cups? Same thing goes with all
kinds of frozen foods. Frozen peas in
the canned peas section because it was cheaper to go canned. This is the Losing Waldo effect that can
never be explained by modern science. Common sense is suspended by some universal energy that the grocery stores control to make humans act like a three year old that doesn't want a cookie. Yuck, spit it out. Shiny object... ewwwww!
Produce is another topic for another day. That is where the animal part of the human
race as a gatherer comes out. You have
seen it first hand. Someone tries a
grape from one bag and they pause judging the taste of the grape, and then they
grab another bag of grapes! Same goes
with many other fruits in easy to open bags or boxes. Say nothing.
Don’t buy the grapes. Never get
involved in a produce heated discussion over a freaking tomato either. People could be killed even though there is a
stock room filled with more of the same produce but people do in fact get more
aggressive in this department of the grocery store more so than any other. We do farmer’s markets for produce. My ankles are thankful. My head and knuckles thank me every day; they
could have been lacerated by someone with a perfect manicure or a guy that just
wanted my tomato.
We come to the check out process. Aggression levels go up by a factor of
ten. They have their stuff and you are
not cutting or beating them to the shortest line. Those motorized carts have a turbo booster
that can only be used in the general area of the registers to check out. This is the one time in your entire grocery
shopping experience where you can see true evil in a person’s eyes and
soul. You may be tough but you are not
tough enough to stare down someone with two carts full of food and cut ahead of
them in any register. Blood will be spilled. Blood will flow from your ankles for sure if
you thought you could out maneuver them.
And just like NASCAR, if you don’t have the right grip on the steering
apparatus of your cart, you will be rammed causing serious damage to your
knuckles if your grip is outside the bar that you are legally bound to steer
your cart with. No referee at the
checkout so you pay the cost. Lick your
wounds while they whip out the thousand plus coupons and do battle another day.
As you pay your bill and finally get out of the grocery
shopping trip to hell you can by all means ignore traffic and any moving large
vehicles in the parking lot. You have a
cart full of bags and everyone knows that that makes you immortal.
One last thought. If
there is any kind of seasonal storm in any area of the country, you are on your
own for emergency grocery shopping. It
becomes a survival of the fittest for those that must have a month’s supply of
goods for a storm that will last one or two days. Fingers may be lost if you grab one of the
next to last twenty loaf’s of bread on the shelf. Be safe people. I recommend ankle armor during weather
related grocery shopping trips. No wait,
I recommend it for every trip to the grocery store.
Labels: Canned Goods, Coupons, Food Shopping, Grocery Aisles, Grocery Shopping, Meat, Produce, Sale Items, Shopping Cart Ankle Injury, Shopping Carts, Shopping Etiquette, Shopping Experience, Supermarket Shopping