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Sunday, October 30, 2011

Divorced Dad Venting

First off... A lie is a lie as long as no person denies or refutes it. I am done being silent. This post is honesty from the heart. My perspective that is never heard or spoken of.

This is a very personal post that I needed to write and say out loud. It sucks being a divorced dad with kids and having to be so distant from them. It FUCKING SUCKS! This is a personal blog and if and when one of my children read it then you will understand where my heart is regarding my five baby girls at this point in time. I am a divorced father of five very beautiful daughters that it breaks my heart to be so far away from, but the closeness to their mother would have put me in a casket. I am very proud of each and everyone of my girls. I will love them all till the last breath I have on this earth and beyond. And yet I am a divorced Dad. Served my divorce papers by the boyfriend that broke up the marriage. Sometimes the truth of why two parents divorce becomes confused when only one parent has the ear of the children when the other parent, me, had to get as far as possible from the poison pill.

I was the devoted dad that spent all his free time with his girls. I was the idiot that when all the bills were run up re-mortgaged the house to pay for more debt that was idiotic. Only to have her go out and buy a new vehicle to replace the savings . I was the one grocery shopping and making sure we as a family had what we needed. I was the one that was stupid and looked the other way when mom needed her "Me" time and a night out with the girls. I was the stupid one that she asked if she looked good in her outfit while she went out every weekend "With the girls". I own that stupidity 100%. I am very familiar with humility but the truth is the truth.

In retrospect, I was the one making supper for the girls, I was the one running the washing machine and dryer and drying the multi color clothes that didn't look right. I'm not ashamed that I baked cookie with my baby girls because I liked the cookies just as much as they did, fresh and hot out of the oven. Ice cold milk all around if they wanted it. Letting them stand on a kitchen chair and watch me cook potato pancakes and more. Watching rented movies with the lights out and microwaved popcorn was always fun with the girls till they crashed to the lala land of the sandman. The little ones I could carry to their beds and the older ones were always fine to sleep till the morning on the couch. Mom was still not home well after midnight and beyond.

While I was trying to be the good dad and husband, there were far too many private calls that had to be taken behind closed doors by Mom. Far too many. And yet I was the monster in the children's lives? Was I a disciplinarian? Yes! I was the only one there! Was there deception in making supper for the girls? No, but there was deception in another party.

I tried committing suicide at one point during the separation prior to the divorce. She made a point of either be calling or visiting and verbally being so abusive that I felt like such a scum bag. Not worthy of any of my baby girls. Obviously, I failed. To this day I thank God that I failed. At that point in my life I felt like a piece of shit and the X made sure that as her "Best Friend" she reinforced what a piece of shit I was every single day. I am not proud of that day that my oldest child had to babysit her father. It was at that point that the control of me from her was broken. But I would not be safe if I stayed close where she could badger and beat me down every single day. I had nowhere to go and had to move. I sold my family heirloom to get gas to go to my brother in Florida and that was the plan. I flipped a coin between an offer from family in Missouri and family in Florida. It turned out that Missouri is a pretty damn good state to live in. After two years it seems that my X had plans for me if I moved in with my brother and he was good to go with them. That is when I lost respect for my brother.

What angers me most is that my baby girls are thinking, or present the thought that I never loved them because I had to get 1200 miles away from their mother to a safe place where she could not badger and beat me down anymore. I hate the separation and distance more than they know but I was not the one to start the breakup of the family. Yes, life was tough, money was tight, but my love for my children has never stopped.

I love my baby girls more than life itself but I could not do that now without getting some serious distance from the person that dissolved the family for her own personal reasons. She tried her best to bury me and I chose my own path after she took the kids from me that was safest for my survival. But I care about and love all of my children. I always will. My nightly prayers always start out with God bless my Nicole, my Kathryn, my Shannon, my Casey, and my Hannah. Always will till the day I die.

Poison in the mind of a child against a loving father will always come back to bite you in the ass. It is just a matter of time before the person placing the poison faces the truth and will become the victim. A lie will only hide for so long and time brings all things and truth to the surface.

This is my private blog and my thoughts on how I feel. My vow on the alter of marriage was never broken by me. And yet I am the divorced Dad of five daughters.

I am working through it with the help of an amazing person. I thank her for every day I have with her and appreciate her more and more every day.


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Blogger John Myste said...

Holy Googley! It's a Moka! OK, now I will read it.

8:04 PM  
Blogger John Myste said...

Whoa! Heavier than I expected and left me speechless, and after I already made a comment and implicitly promised speech.

The one thing that comes to mind is how bad I am at dealing with bad things.

And from this place, a very wise observation from The Little Prince:

C'est tellement mysterieux, Les pays de larmes.

8:12 PM  
Blogger Papamoka said...

Dia na sonraĆ­ John.

Gaelic for God is in the details.

8:36 PM  
Blogger Jersey McJones said...

Papamoka, this is a hell of thing to brave through. You are highly intelligent and you can adapt. You're love is strong and good. You will be fine and so will your girls. Keep being yourself, and don't quit. I envy you. Think of it that way - some guy out there envies your situation, as terribly tough as it is.


9:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm very sorry to hear about your divorce and all the related b.s. you have suffered through. Hopefully, in time, you will be vindicated in your daughters' eyes. I haven't seen your blog in quite some time. Take care of yourself.


10:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

From the land of rabid Baptists and bad potato salad, I sent my heartfelt wishes of peace and strength to you.

This makes no sense now, I'm sure, but TIME does a lot of things. Your little girls won't stay little forever, and as the adult mind comes into being, ALL the questions cannot be answered by one who paints everyone else wrong...been there & done that.

The most difficult task will be in communicating with the girls directly, without interference. If not I said, later.

Remember that the part of you that you instilled in your girls will always be there, and if you're being bad-mouthed in absentia, it's a very stupid thing for the other parent to do. You need the patience of Job, and that ain't easy.

Thinking & praying for ya, buddy.


4:39 PM  
Blogger Papamoka said...

You don't want to envy me JMcJ. Trust me bud.

Thanks for stopping by F&B.

MLJ!!!! I miss our talks my friend! Mega huge. I need to set some time aside to gab with you on the phone for an hour or two. I miss our talks immensely. We need to do that soon my friend.

7:04 PM  
Blogger Pink Granite said...

I can only begin to imagine what you and your daughters are going through.
May your bonds remain strong.
Sending you all peace and love...
- Lee

9:24 PM  

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