A WALTZ DOWN MEMORY LANE IN 2009

BY MICHAEL LINN JONES

I've grown weary of the constant schoolyard buzz whirling about presidential candidates. It has become tedious. And boring. I don't think I can take much more of reading tea leaves to predict who is going to win Iowa, or New Hampshire, etc. It has become so predictable that I've decided to just leap ahead a couple of years.

What my crystal ball tells me is no less accurate than professional pontificators, or any less honest. Well, I'll concede on the honesty part because with this crop of hopefuls outright lying is not beyond the realm of possibility.

But I digress from my digression. Assume for a moment that the year 2008 has come and gone, and we find ourselves a few months into 2009. Here I offer a small collection of what-might-as-well-be's:

President-elect Hillary Clinton stunned experts by naming her husband, former President Bill Clinton, as American Ambassador to Monaco. Relations with several European countries were strained upon learning that Bill Clinton "got to know" a number of female members of European royalty as well as the wives of prominent politicians. Republicans in Congress were also outraged that a special Presidential aircraft was permanently assigned to the "First Bubba" for his exclusive use. Demanding an all-female flight crew was the cherry on top for the opponents of the Clinton(s) administration.

By February 2009 it became fashionable (and required of White House reporters) to refer to the new president as "Hillary The Great." By March, President Hillary had issued more signing statements than former President George W. Bush had in his entire eight years of tenure. Some of the over 900 Presidential edicts are listed below:

Tax on cigarettes to be $150 per pack.
Possession of cigarettes to be a federal felony offense.
Frowning prohibited in public.
Any woman with a better physique than the president barred from federal employment (this resulted in a severe shortage of employees, solved only by a then-illegal data-mining of the Lane Bryant customer base.)

Tom Brady stunned the sporting world by simultaneously dating both Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. This might explain New England's 2-14 record after their Superbowl win the previous January.

Former President Bush was named as honorary President of Baylor University in recognition of his extraordinary grasp of economics. The university subsequently filed for bankruptcy. President Bush finally fulfilled his promise to sit on the porch of Trent Lott's Katrina-damaged chalet in Mississippi. The FEMA-financed cottage had somehow expanded into a 14,000 square foot monstrosity with a final cost of $18.7 million. Former President Bush observed that if it hadn't been for that Kelo decision the costs would have been much higher in running off all those poor folks whose land Trent needed.

Many were surprised that two hours after her inauguration, Hillary The Great ordered the arrest of Karl Rove and had him placed in Gitmo as an "enemy noncombatant." In a special signing statement, HTG announced that "enemy noncomatant" was anyone she didn't like, calling Rove a "fat slob" who needed "to be taught a lesson." Rove was released after 7 weeks, in large part due to the efforts of his supporters, who had purchased and established THE KARL ROVE PRESIDENTIAL ASSISTANT LIBARY (not a mis-spelling, that's the way they say library) in Tickturd, Texas. The library is a simple structure built in the middle of 40 acres of bull manure-infested pasture. "Seems kinda right to me," quipped one of the site workers.

With the total collapse of the home mortgage market in 2008, along with a number of large banks and corporations, the administration decided to take immediate action by using government funds in the oil commodities market. Citing the president's luck in cattle futures in Arkansas, the thought was that funds could thus be raised to bail out destitute speculators on the government's dime. This was known as "No Greedy Pig Left Behind."

It was not forseen (except by about 298 million Americans) that the price of oil would skyrocket. By March 2009 a barrel of oil peaked at $275 . President Clinton Her Ladyship pointed to the positive effects: with so few people actually having jobs or the money to get to work, the number of traffic deaths and injuries had plummeted. Al Gore was enthusiastic, noting that the atmosphere now looked a lot cleaner from the cabin of his private jet.

62 bridges collapsed in 2008, primarily caused by overloaded Mexican trucks. A Dept. of Transportation official said that a weight limit of 34 tons was being ignored, with many Mexican trucks topping 50 to 60 tons. However, this was cited as another example of the success of NAFTA. (???)

The Clinton adminstration blamed the infrastructure shortcomings on the Bush adminstration, who immediately placed the blame on the Clinton administration (no, the first one I mean), who immediately blamed it on the Bush administration (the first one, again), who immediately blamed it on Jimmy Carter. The Houses of Bush and Clinton finally agreed to blame everything on Jimmy Carter.

As we all look forward to 2010, we can thank our lucky stars that our leaders are looking out for us almost as much as they look after themselves.

Well, it's nice to think so, anyway.

Happy New Year!!!!
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Cross-posted at Michaellinnjones.com