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Sunday, October 30, 2011

Divorced Dad Venting

First off... A lie is a lie as long as no person denies or refutes it. I am done being silent. This post is honesty from the heart. My perspective that is never heard or spoken of.

This is a very personal post that I needed to write and say out loud. It sucks being a divorced dad with kids and having to be so distant from them. It FUCKING SUCKS! This is a personal blog and if and when one of my children read it then you will understand where my heart is regarding my five baby girls at this point in time. I am a divorced father of five very beautiful daughters that it breaks my heart to be so far away from, but the closeness to their mother would have put me in a casket. I am very proud of each and everyone of my girls. I will love them all till the last breath I have on this earth and beyond. And yet I am a divorced Dad. Served my divorce papers by the boyfriend that broke up the marriage. Sometimes the truth of why two parents divorce becomes confused when only one parent has the ear of the children when the other parent, me, had to get as far as possible from the poison pill.

I was the devoted dad that spent all his free time with his girls. I was the idiot that when all the bills were run up re-mortgaged the house to pay for more debt that was idiotic. Only to have her go out and buy a new vehicle to replace the savings . I was the one grocery shopping and making sure we as a family had what we needed. I was the one that was stupid and looked the other way when mom needed her "Me" time and a night out with the girls. I was the stupid one that she asked if she looked good in her outfit while she went out every weekend "With the girls". I own that stupidity 100%. I am very familiar with humility but the truth is the truth.

In retrospect, I was the one making supper for the girls, I was the one running the washing machine and dryer and drying the multi color clothes that didn't look right. I'm not ashamed that I baked cookie with my baby girls because I liked the cookies just as much as they did, fresh and hot out of the oven. Ice cold milk all around if they wanted it. Letting them stand on a kitchen chair and watch me cook potato pancakes and more. Watching rented movies with the lights out and microwaved popcorn was always fun with the girls till they crashed to the lala land of the sandman. The little ones I could carry to their beds and the older ones were always fine to sleep till the morning on the couch. Mom was still not home well after midnight and beyond.

While I was trying to be the good dad and husband, there were far too many private calls that had to be taken behind closed doors by Mom. Far too many. And yet I was the monster in the children's lives? Was I a disciplinarian? Yes! I was the only one there! Was there deception in making supper for the girls? No, but there was deception in another party.

I tried committing suicide at one point during the separation prior to the divorce. She made a point of either be calling or visiting and verbally being so abusive that I felt like such a scum bag. Not worthy of any of my baby girls. Obviously, I failed. To this day I thank God that I failed. At that point in my life I felt like a piece of shit and the X made sure that as her "Best Friend" she reinforced what a piece of shit I was every single day. I am not proud of that day that my oldest child had to babysit her father. It was at that point that the control of me from her was broken. But I would not be safe if I stayed close where she could badger and beat me down every single day. I had nowhere to go and had to move. I sold my family heirloom to get gas to go to my brother in Florida and that was the plan. I flipped a coin between an offer from family in Missouri and family in Florida. It turned out that Missouri is a pretty damn good state to live in. After two years it seems that my X had plans for me if I moved in with my brother and he was good to go with them. That is when I lost respect for my brother.

What angers me most is that my baby girls are thinking, or present the thought that I never loved them because I had to get 1200 miles away from their mother to a safe place where she could not badger and beat me down anymore. I hate the separation and distance more than they know but I was not the one to start the breakup of the family. Yes, life was tough, money was tight, but my love for my children has never stopped.

I love my baby girls more than life itself but I could not do that now without getting some serious distance from the person that dissolved the family for her own personal reasons. She tried her best to bury me and I chose my own path after she took the kids from me that was safest for my survival. But I care about and love all of my children. I always will. My nightly prayers always start out with God bless my Nicole, my Kathryn, my Shannon, my Casey, and my Hannah. Always will till the day I die.

Poison in the mind of a child against a loving father will always come back to bite you in the ass. It is just a matter of time before the person placing the poison faces the truth and will become the victim. A lie will only hide for so long and time brings all things and truth to the surface.

This is my private blog and my thoughts on how I feel. My vow on the alter of marriage was never broken by me. And yet I am the divorced Dad of five daughters.

I am working through it with the help of an amazing person. I thank her for every day I have with her and appreciate her more and more every day.


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Sunday, October 09, 2011

What is Love

I was talking with my future brother in-law on the phone and he asked me to write a piece on my blog that was pure emotion. At first I thought he was drunk or talking bullshit like most people that want to get into your mind and find out how you tick. Trust me, he wants to know who the hell I am whereas he is very protective of his baby sister. Then I thought about it and decided that it is a challenge well worth undertaking. He didn't say what topic to talk about other than that it had to be who the hell Papamoka is.

I chose the topic of love and what it means to me and in the different situations that it can be in one persons life. Love knows no boundaries, no limitations or exceptions. Love is the one human emotion that can never be explained. You can love mashed potato's with extra butter and sour cream but it is not the same as loving you child? You can love your mother or father but it is not the same as loving the person you are with. You can love your child and it is not the same love as the love you have for the person that you created that child with.

In my personal situation I have five beautiful daughters that I love them all to no end for each individual child that they are and yet one of them I adopted because I love that child more than she will ever know. And to this day she is still my pride and joy just as much as her sisters are. There is a bond of parenthood even if it is not biological that happens between a father and a daughter that also happens between fathers and sons that is just pure love. How you as a parent interpret that love and raise the child is the latter effect of love for the child. Have you ever heard of a parent saying that it is "Okay" to mess with their child? Harm their child physically or mentally? Never happened unless mom and dad were too messed up on whatever to care. That is parental love. And to the day that you die that parental love will never end because of the bond and love that you as two people share as a parent and a child. And then the bond and love travels beyond the grave. Ask anyone who lost a parent or child how long it has been since they passed and they will always tell you that it seems like it was just a short time ago when in reality it was several years or decades. Love of a child and parent know not what time is.

Then you have love of a man and a woman that I will express as my personal situation but the same theory of love works no matter what the relationship is. When I look at the woman I am in love with, I love her to no end. She makes me smile, she makes me laugh, she picks me up when I am down, she hugs me when the world sucks. And I do the same for her. Are we in love? Hell Ya! I look at her and she is the most amazing woman to me. This bond of love is strong and we let the relationship develop and grow by accepting that both of us have weaknesses that the other is willing to help with. This is before the thought of sexual relations even comes into the equation of what love is. I see a woman that is so beautiful but thinks she is not and I laugh. I see a million dollar smile and she tries to hide it. Her smile by the way is infectious. I see a woman that loves me and accepts me for who I am and that works for me. I see my woman and I see happiness and love. She completes me in more ways than she will ever understand. And in the end, she loves me just as much as I love her.

Then we get to personal love. It is impossible to love another person if you do not love who you are as a person. When you want to talk about love, I think it is always best to look in the mirror and ask the person there if they love who they are. Till you do that you need to look in that mirror and fix that person.

Other than that... I'm PRO LOVE! Love my baby girls, love my girlfriend, love life. Love is good.


John Myste Responds has linked in to this post. Thank ya!


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